I though nobody would ever get to see this, but I think it’s time to share something I’ve done about a year ago, related to a year before that. Everything desserves a closure, and I feel I have a lot of open things at the moment. I need to close them once and for all to be able to move forward and to grow.
This letter is on its original form, with no writting edition other that covering the name of the Chef I sent this to, just in case he doesn’t want the exposure.
This is a letter that was never supposed to be written nor sent. Still, I don’t think I’ve said to you all that I felt like when I left. Maybe today I don’t mean anything but a broken and messed up mind that just couldn’t take the pressure. Maybe the last memories you have of me( if you have any memory at all) were of me crying for some attention and care, yelling angry wondering where have all my good days of BSK gone. It doesn’t matter now because after almost a year ago I was something I’m not anymore and most of it I owe to you.
I was really hurt, I thought I was weak and that I had given up on everything you taught me and everything I could be one day. It took me several months to recover from everything and to have the courage to write this letter. A thank you letter.
It doesn’t mean I agree with everything you’ve said to me, but it would be silly if it happened that way. I just wanted you to know that you were and are a big part on my professional growth. For the things I did and the things I don’t accept anymore, for the standard and discipline that I don’t leave behind not even for a second. For the team work and the strength you showed we need to have to survive in this industry.
I always believed in you as I think you believed in me, and it broke my heart having to go, but it was the best for me and for my mental health. Until now I think that I wasn’t good enough and that’s why I broke down. I thought that either I stayed strong and made part of this culinary army, or I should leave it all behind and go do something completely different.
I want you to know that everywhere I work I pick a mentor, someone that is my mirror, my biggest example and that I always will care and think about within the tiniest details of my day. Since I chose you I haven’t found anyone else. In a certain way its good because I’m having to be my own mentor. On the othe hand I miss having a strong figure that can calm me down and tell me how good or bad I’m doing.
Where I work now I’m still a demi, even though I take lots of responsibilities, run pastry and larder and prep for sauce. I have time to breath when I need to, I even have time for a 30 min break when I’m on a double shift. We make really nice food and I’m proud of myself. I just miss my mentor being proud of me too.
This letter is to thank you for teaching me to be strong, organized, to be a leader, an example, a rescuer. Because of what I’ve learnt in BSK and because of the routine we had there, I’ve learned how to be the opposite around here. I don’t stress as much because I can see the solution, I have more time so I know how to handle it better than anyone else. Nobody knows how is it to really run against time like we used to.
This letter is to thank you for all the times you pulled me outside to know how I really was, for all the hugs and all the pushes you gave me believing that I could do better and better every day.
I’m sorry I let you down, I’m sorry I couldn’t get my head around my problems. What I did was just to stand up for me and stop. Stop and think if that was really what I wanted for me and if It was what I wanted to become. Now every little bit of knowledge I’ve got from you and some other chefs I carry with me forever.
I think not many people would even care to write a letter like this, but I believe I have a mission in this life and it’s not to be indifferent, not to be replaceable, not to be invisible. I hope I made some difference in your life while I was there, and I truly hope, from my heart, that you have an amazing life and that you always reach what you seek for.
Thank you for everything, and I hope we meet again someday to have a beer and share all that’s been going on in our lives. I buy!